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This Post is Not Pretty

Lizard Queen, take the wheel.

Lizard Queen, take the wheel.

If you dropped by for insight on blogger relations, or the art and science of public relations, you might want to check back later. I’m in Personal Me mode at the moment and it’s not pretty. Before I tell you why, let me splash a big fat caveat across this post stating that I love my life, my job, my family and am grateful for all of it. I know I’m blessed, in a cerebral, enlightened kind of way. However. The reptilian part of my brain, the part no amount of pharmacology or Oprah can reach, feels differently.  The Lizard Queen is cranky, hates everyone and everything, here’s why.

She hates that I had to leave my house at 9 am last Sunday to catch a plane for a cross-country business trip that may or may not have been worth the effort. She hates that the day prior I was short and snappish with my sweet son who just wanted me to help him build his new Lego Star Wars MagnaGuard Starfighter for crying out loud. She hates that I chose to put more energy into my stupid powerpoint presentation and what shoes to pack than being with my kid. She hates that I felt the need to assuage my maternal guilt by buying the kid off with ice cream at Dunkin’ Donuts, which would maybe have been okay except that I optimized the moment by diving head-first into a “31 Below” shake with Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (kinda like a DQ Blizzard, pretty awesome and no, that wasn’t a paid endorsement.) She hates that I sat on the stupid tarmac at stupid Newark “At Liberty to Delay You” Airport for an hour for mysterious reasons handed down from on high by Air Traffic Control.  Screw you, Newark Air Traffic Control. She hated the seatmate whose furiously self-important texting with her stubby french manicure digits made me want to throw my own Blackberry out the window and never use it again, and who informed me I needed to power down my iPod because the cabin door had closed which *phew* was fortunate because gee I’ve NEVER FLOWN BEFORE. She hates that I’m genetically unable to pace myself at work so that I’m not constantly facing last minute deadlines and insanity.  She hates that my best writing can only get done after 5:30 PM which is great for my concentration (no pesky colleagues or phones) but sucky for the husband and kid waiting patiently at home. She hates that I don’t have time like the other moms in my town to get more involved in school activities and make it to daytime spinning and yoga classes every single day and while I’m on that topic, boy does she hate that I seem to be one of two moms in my town who hasn’t managed to LOSE THE BABY WEIGHT and yes, my “baby” is six years old. She hates that I pour more passion into my job than caring for my family my husband.

*sigh.*  She obviously is me, which I guess makes this a kinda self-loathing post. This blog really isn’t THAT kind of blog – i.e. soul-baring, self-flagellating, warts-exposing. I mean, I’ve got bosses and clients and co-workers reading this stuff.  But plenty of those people are working moms too and I guess I’m just in a mood – or at least, the Lizard Queen is in a mood – to pull back the curtain for a second on this whole “having it all” thing. Because the truth my truth is – you can’t have it all. What you CAN have are the choices you make – good, bad, smart, stupid, reptilian or enlightened.  You make ‘em, and you live with ‘em. Powerpoint versus Legos.  Fat versus skinny.  Job versus husband.

I tweeted recently (ironically) about being a woman of many facets. Nice image. Suggests a sparkly diamond. I may have many facets, I just don’t like all of them at the moment.  This too shall pass, of course. I’ll find my way back to “loving the flawed diamond that I am” or some other Oprah-y, Paxil-y hoo-ha. But for the moment, the Lizard Queen has control over the keyboard which may, now that I think about it, be the best way to deal with her. Give her air time, let her vent, and hope the bitch goes slithering back into her lair.

Could I be alone in this? What do you do when your reptilian brain starts getting feisty?

(image via).

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  1. Geri
    June 10, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    Stephanie,
    I almost peed my pants reading this I was laughing so hard. It must be in the air or this weather or something, but I feel the EXACT same way. I’m sure the Lizard Queen will slither away soon.

    Geri

  2. Carol
    June 10, 2009 at 9:47 pm

    You are NOT alone. I almost decked a woman swimming next to me tonight at the pool. All I wanted was 30 minutes by myself to clear my head and get my heart pumping. Instead, I spent 30 minutes fuming about how she was crowding me, and wondering if I would be kicked out of the club if I pulled her by the hair and slapped her. Nice, huh?

  3. June 12, 2009 at 7:31 pm

    You’re not alone Stephanie – you’re just being brutally honest! I won’t begin to bore you with tales of bribery and neglect that my children have suffered at the hands of a desperate mama trying to be all things, to all men (women, children & community at large included) at the same time! Let’s just say I keep a bottle of 42below & bombay sapphire handy in the bottom drawer of my freezer! My kids have watched way too much tv, eaten too much sugar & scored high in the toy ‘guilt offering’ department in the last six months as mama has tried to navigate her way through this mine field.

  4. Patsy
    June 15, 2009 at 1:31 pm

    Fear not — you have plenty of company in your lizard ways;}!!! This is hysterical and a great peak into what I feel like 9 days out of 10. Thanks for sharing:}!!

    -Patsy

  5. June 17, 2009 at 12:07 pm

    I enjoyed this post – and think it’s good to get such “rants” out.

    And, FYI, I want a LEGO MagnaGuard Starfighter. Thanks.

  6. July 25, 2009 at 10:48 am

    Huh. I came here to read Suzanne’s post. THIS must be a guest post by some other woman named Stephanie.

    That being said, you KNOW I feel this way. I think I mentioned it yesterday. That feeling like you want to throw your awesome phone and everything else away, don an apron and make some friggin cookies for some bake sale.

    Then you realize the woman at the bake sale won’t be as smart, funny, or cool as you and if you want to have ANY kind of life once your child gets older you have to do something to stay active and stimulated… and you want to have ANY chance at having a great relationship you have to have good stuff to talk about that’s not baby boogers and snot.

    Talking about snot might be sexy for some husbands, but not one *I’d* want to be with LOL

    Great post!!

    • ssmirnov
      July 25, 2009 at 9:08 pm

      Thanks for dropping by, Jenny! And stop calling me Shirley. I mean Suzanne. You nailed it, reinforcing my feeling that no matter what happens, we’ll always be yearning for what we don’t have. Grass is greener, etc. I have stay at home mom friends who think my work life is a dream, I think their days are full of domestic bliss. We sit around discussing this at kitchen tables over bottles of wine, hoovering the kids’ uneaten chicken nuggets and mac-and-cheese (or “mom canapes,” as I like to call them), dreaming of lives that aren’t ours but I think ultimately, deep down, we all know none of it is perfect. Work at home, stay at home, work away from home, work hard for your money, workin for the weekend, whatever….it’s all work and some days it’s great, some days it’s not. But we gotta own what we’ve chosen.

  1. June 19, 2009 at 1:27 pm
  2. February 5, 2010 at 6:52 pm

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